Friday, August 13, 2010

On...Good-byes? Maybe?

4 is an absurdly small number when it comes to facing the biggest transition in your life. It hardly seems like enough time to pack and get ready to go.

It's astounding and disconcerting how soon I'm leaving. It's kind of scary that I'm saying good-bye. Last night, I said good-bye to several good friends (and a few acquaintances) who, in all likelihood, I will not see before I leave in 4 days. And then I may not ever see them again (though I sincerely hope this is not the case (I have found out that I can go to Philly from Richmond by bus in about 8 hours for about $35 round-trip (thank you for running from DC to Philly for $20!))). I never thought I'd feel this way. Of course I'm excited, but it's all kind of tinged with these negative emotions (anxiety, sadness, nostalgia). To be honest, I'm even kind of feeling regret about opportunities I've missed and things I wish I could have changed before I left.

I'm so ready to start my life: to be independent, to go by my own schedule, to live (and learn, and love, and laugh, and lose, and everything that goes with those things). It's just hard to reconcile that excitement, this beautiful feeling that this is the step I need and want to take to be who I want to be, with the fact that I have a life that I like, a life that I'm comfortable and happy in, which I'm going to have to leave behind to make this change.

In a way, I hope most people are going through what I'm going through. I know a lot of people are just excited, and it kind of surprises me, because I always thought I'd be one of them: ready to walk away and never look back and never regret a single moment that passed without me. I don't think that's true anymore. I still can't wait to go to college, to be a spider, and to live my life. I just don't think I'll be able to turn my back and pretend I don't miss my family and my hometown and my friends anymore.

Love, Love, Love,
Rachel Leigh

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