On the Friend Zone

Today we're getting down and dirty with one of my favorite feminist topics: The Friend Zone.

Let me preface this discussion by saying that having unrequited feelings for someone sucks.  It's a painful experience, and by no means am I intending to devalue that pain.  You have a right to feel hurt over being rejected.  You have a right to your own emotions.

Now: let's talk about the Friend Zone.

Inherent in the idea of the Friend Zone is the thought that, after a certain amount of time and effort, you are entitled to some kind of reciprocation from the other person involved.  This is not, nor has it ever been, the case.  The Friend Zone thinks of people like gumball machines: if I put enough money/time/effort in, I get my reward.  I deserve that reward.

Realistically, human relationships are a lot more like slot machines.  You can spend all the time and energy and money you have on one and are in no way guaranteed success.  In fact, if you are successful, it's a rare and lucky occurrence.  When you walk away from a slot machine empty-handed, no one feels bad for you.  It's a risk you take when playing the game.  When you walk away from a girl empty-handed (or, y'know, with a friend, which I'm not sure why that suddenly became an undesirable thing to have), she's a "bitch" who "led you on."

I don't think I'd be nearly as upset by this concept were it not for the fact that the Friend Zone is a one-way relationship.  When a guy has feelings for a girl who just wants to be friends, she's FRIENDZONING him.  When a girl has feelings for a guy who just wants to be friends, she's pathetic.  Just look at the way these things are portrayed in movies -- think "He's Just Not That Into You" or Bridget Jones or any number of sappy chick flicks.  Wanting something with a man who doesn't return those feelings is pathetic.  Wanting that with a woman is admirable and "she really should just give him a chance."

It's no coincidence that I'm talking about this right now.  The UCSB attack comes from the same twisted double standard, the same misunderstanding of whether people owe you anything just because you've tried.

This guy says it best:

Angrily yours (full of lady-rage),

Rachel Leigh

On Angry Feminists (and how more of them should be men)

Why aren't there more men talking about feminism?

This is not nearly as stupid a question as you probably think it is.  Listen to Jackson Katz's talk about how violence against women is a men's issue and you might start to wonder too.

Here. I've even included it for you.  Nope, no excuses now.  Watch it.

People treat feminism as if, in order for the feminists to "win," men have to be destroyed or disempowered.  I'm working on my thesis now, and not one of my sources (except the main text I'm interpreting) are written by men...because men don't talk about feminism.

This is something I have never understood.  Surely, men have mothers, sisters, friends, lovers, daughters, teachers, spouses, mentors, coworkers who are women.  Surely, if the great tragedies of violence against women were directed at these women, they would care.  But men won't often speak about how these individual tragedies relate to a culture that facilitates them.

Even if, by some bizarre situation, a man doesn't have any women in his life whom he cares about, he should still be talking about feminism...because sexism and classic gender norms hurt men too.  Worldwide, suicide is more prevalent among men, despite a higher rate of mental illness in women, because we tell men they can't seek constructive emotional outlets for their feelings.  We treat men like animals and monsters by saying that "boys will be boys" when they hurt each other or others, when some men rape or harrass...we boil "being boys" with being unable to control themselves, like dogs instead of people.  We create a culture that defines rigid stereotypes and spaces for men, and while these may be positions of greater power, they are no less de-humanizing or de-individualizing.

Feminism: it's a men's issue too.  And people need to start talking about it.

Yours,
Rachel Leigh