On Apologizing

I'm not going to talk about Leaning In, or anything like that, but you may have noticed I did not apologize in my last post for not posting more frequently.  One of the goals I set for myself in this new year and hopefully for the rest of my life is to stop apologizing for things that don't need apologies for.

Don't get me wrong, I will never stop apologizing when I have done something wrong or hurt someone, especially someone I care about, because it's, y'know, important for creating healthy relationships in life.

But studies have shown, and Pantene has famously commercialized, the fact that women apologize more often than men.  This then translates into the perception that women may be more incompetent or less confident, because they apologize more frequently.  I know I apologize too much.  I have heard it since before I started working, and I have heard it in response to apologizing for things that other people don't consider apology-worthy offenses.

My mother sometimes says that she thinks I learned this habit from her.  Maybe it was a part of it, but it was also learning from a young age that more of the things I do, like speaking up when I want to be heard, are seen as bossy or pushy or somehow deserving of an apology.

A study out of the University of Waterloo in Ontario claims that the difference in apologies, when adjusted for the number of times that someone feels like they have committed an offense, doesn't present a gender gap, but that women, on the whole, did apologize more.  What this implies, then, is that women perceive having wronged someone in a way which deserves an apology much more frequently than men do, and thus apologize more.

As someone who wants to be taken seriously and not perceived as self-conscious, timid, or incompetent, I have resolved to apologize less.  I hope other people will join me on this journey.

Unapologetically yours,
Rachel Leigh